Not porn but thought y’all would like a story. It’s D&D rela..

Not porn but thought y’all would like a story. It’s D&D related and kinda long so strap in! ❤️ I also interject a lot (like this) when I tell stories so ahhhhhh. I don’t play serious campaigns for D&D. It’s not my style but at the same time, having a campaign that has no plot or seriousness can be annoying and no progress is made. So a mixture is GREAT. I went to the first session (I didn’t even go to play, I brought my chess book 😭😭😭 P.S. Read/Watch Queen’s Gambit, it’s making me pick up chess and I feel so smart.) without even knowing the DM and I’m so glad they convinced me to play. I introduced my best rolled character ( 2 17’s and a 16??? Ma’am.) named Aries Lightshield (don’t bully me I’m cool) and I LOVE HER. She carries a sprig of mistletoe with her at all times (I spent in game money on it, it is PHYSICALLY in my inventory) in case she wants to kiss somebody. She’s talk, dark haired, and is super strong and confident. She’s pretty much loved by everybody because she’s the perfect knight but she’s actually a huge asshole. I love her so much. Think Female Gaston. ANYHOO, long story short, we’re after an orc syndicate called The Karn Brothers. We’ve finally made our way to their hideout after spending a large amount of time going around town asking for information. (Note to self: Do not let Aries try to seduce an orc. It works. Thank you, lucky dice. *smooch*) We’ve come to the beginning of the BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy for those who don’t know! Pretty much the campaign’s final boss! Why do they say BBEG when “final boss” has less syllables? I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.) when our Kobold rogue (who canonically rides in a baby holder attached to the Dragonborn. I drew it.) goes off to try to sneak into the building. There is also the Dragonborn fighter and I, the...Half Elf...fighter. Yeah, I know. We didn’t think it through. We had no magic at ALL lol. But we could P U N C H. Anyway, the Dragonborn and I decide to try and confront the two guards at the front. We do and end up killing one of them pretty easily. I say we...but ya know. I had 18 AC and my strength was 17. (By the way, AC means Armor Class! This means the DM has to roll higher than that to be able to damage you with anything, really. It can be the biggest baddest punch in the world but if the DM rolls a 14 and my AC is 18, he won’t damage me at all, most of the time. I’m pretty sure there are exceptions but I don’t DM often so if I’m wrong, let me know!) So after some time, the fuckin lizard gets pinned to the wall by a spear and becomes a decoration for the rest of the game. He never stood a chance. I didn’t even know his name. He had 4 HP because he rolled a fucking 7 for his CON. (It was an in game joke that my character was racist against lizard people. So I bullied him relentlessly the entire time. Like, lizard people, right? I’m tellin ya.) So it’s up to the two fighters sharing one brain cell. We both have 8 in INT. The only reason we got in the fight was because the Dragonborn tried to sneak past while in a barrel. He rolled a 1. He fell through the dock and left a huge hole. This is important.(OH by the way, Intellect- basically common sense. On the other hand, your wisdom or WIS is book smarts. WIS to know the stove is hot and INT to know not to touch it.) Things were looking good for us, though. Until something happened. Aries Lightshield entered Knight fuckboi mode and starts taunting them. Envy: Ha. I say “The KARN Brothers? More like the CORN brothers.” (I cried from laughing at my own joke.) And I use my long sword in the one in front of me. DM: Roll to hit. Envy: *rolls* 8. (You need a 14.) Do this three more times. I would say the same joke because I wanted it so bad. I wanted to make the joke on a killing move. It needed to happen. Except the DM made a mistake. He somehow rolled a 1. (Rolling a 1 is literally called an Epic Failure. Whatever you were doing goes wrong in the WORST way. Your enemy can even counterattack and seriously damage you!) Now was my chance. I can push him into the hole the Dragonborn made. This is it- DM: How do you respond to the natural 1? Envy: I go up to him to finish my fucking joke and try to hit him with the sword so I can get my cool move. DM: Roll at advantage. Envy: *rolls 8 both times* I died the next turn and rolled a 1. I lost us the campaign. It wasn’t supposed to be a 1-Shot but I uh...I think it’s worth it. It’s a pretty good joke. Anyway I enjoyed myself. Hope y’all are well. Thank y’all for participating in the roll and donating to the charity. I’m so glad we’re able to make a difference in this difficult time. You guys are All Stars (I don’t know why I like that so much lol) ❤️✨